As you all know, I was indebted to a photo lab at a certain retail store that begins with a W. Recently I had a vision of how the store policies would be different if I were in charge. Below is my brainstorm from this vision regarding every facet of the photo lab from the machines to general etiquette. But it’s not addressed toward employees. This feature is a little something I like to call:

TO THE CUSTOMER

1-HOUR SERVICE

If no associate is present when dropping off film for 1-hour service, make sure to get their attention as obnoxiously as possible. Finger motioning, snapping, waving, whistling, and pounding on the counter are all acceptable forms of getting their attention. Stay away from the conventional “Excuse me sir/ma’am?” This may make the associate feel like a human being.

Although the film service clearly states that it is 1-hour, ask if your order will be ready before an hour’s time. When responded to in the negative, follow up the question with a statement of disbelief similar to “You mean it will take a whole hour???” Your questioning the amount of time taken to develop your photos ensures that they will be ready early.

When photos turn out poorly, be sure to blame the associates. After all, the flash on your POS one-time-use-camera should pick up the band on stage at the concert you went to from a distance of one hundred feet away as well as photos taken on a bright sunny day outside. It must be their fault.

2-DAY SEND-OUT SERVICE

Throw your ticket stub away or do not have it with you when picking up your photos. This makes it convenient for the associate who has to painstakingly search for an order among ten thousand envelopes.

After giving your name and being asked whether your photos were 1-hour service or 2-day send-out, just answer with a simple “yes”. Do not provide any indication whatsoever to which service you selected.

Feel free to come back one day later or the same day of dropping off your film to ask if it is in yet, or even better, drop your film (which you want for 1-hour service) into the send-out drop box even though it is clearly labeled. (Bonus: Complain about the fact you wanted 1-hour service after doing so like it was an associate’s fault)

Another reason to blame associates is if your pictures are not in at the scheduled time. It is clearly their fault, not that of employees at the send-out lab, who actually develop the photos. Feel free to lose your temper and ask to speak to a manager as well.

THE PICTURE MAKER

When told that the reproduction and sale of copyrighted photos is illegal, blame an associate yet again. In addition, question this law and dream up stories about how you have been doing this for years. Or go with the sympathy vote and explain that the photos were of your late mother/father/aunt/uncle, etc. I’m sure that this explanation repeals laws in other situations.

Example scenario:
“Sorry ma’am, I can’t sell firearms to you without a background check.”
“Well, recently my uncle passed away…”
“Understood ma’am, then that law doesn’t apply in your case. What caliber and how many?”

Screw other people ahead of you. You are the most important person in the world if you can’t unravel the mystery that is touch-screen software.

When an associate does come to help you through the steps to copy photos, don’t pay attention. They enjoy repeating themselves two and three times.

INDECENT PHOTOS

Don’t be bashful about submitting photos of the disgusting orgy you had last night. After all, who doesn’t want to see thong pictures of a three hundred pound woman?

When these pictures do not show up in your order, question the store policy, making it as awkward as possible for the associate you are discussing them with.

CAMERA SALES

Make sure to waste as much of an associate’s time in a Q&A session that seems to go on forever. Do anything and everything to find out about the camera’s features short of buying it. Then leave promptly while announcing that you’ll be back to get it later. Never come back.

Ask how much the total will be with tax. Not only is this classy, but associates love it.

CALLING THE LAB FROM HOME

When calling the lab make sure to speak as softly and as garbled as possible.

Remember you can put the person on the phone on hold just as much as they can to you

Follow any other guideline mentioned in the entire list only over the phone

Thank you for taking the time to read these guidelines and making it as difficult as possible for everyone involved in the process. We appreciate your business. Now get the hell out.